The Fairytale She Waits for

IMG_0004.JPGThis is creative non-fiction from an interview of a woman who saved herself for marriage.

 

There aren’t marriage and relationship problems. There are people problems that are brought into the relationship. Within my church community, we’re so busy waiting for him to happen, that’s all we think about. He could be anywhere; he’s supposed to find us. I guess we’ve all wanted the fairytale, and I did too.

My happily ever after started when I met God. I haven’t lost hope in God, but in people. I’ve watched my friends who waited for marriage one-by-on get married, and then after watch their relationships crumble into constant arguments and listen to them complain about bad sex. I’ve become their untrained therapist after the I-Do’s are said. But, do I really want to be 50 in a shitty relationship with shitty sex?

Something just changed. I’ve removed emotion from sex. I’m no longer in my 20’s. It’s like the realities of life occurred, and now, I’m ready to have sex with someone who I don’t need to blissfully love in marriage. That would be great if I did love him, or even like him, but can I can’t count on that person coming into my life one day like, voi-la! No, I don’t believe in soulmates anymore.

Why do I have to keep convincing myself there is a wholeness in continuing to wait? For so many years I was told that the purity between my legs means more than my relationship with God. I went to this Christian camp as a kid where the majority of lessons were on abstinence. Staying a virgin, God gives you what you want, that’s what they tell you, and I’ve just seen that isn’t true.

Did God set aside for me some person? I used to believe it, now I’m not sure.

I want to feel about myself that I can share intimacy with someone and be ok with it. Or, I guess, trust them…yea that’s it.

Now I’m 30.

I don’t know.

Maybe…maybe I’ve numbed out the emotion to sex because it makes the fairytale less painful.

(Silence.)

The rejection is so hard.

The rejection brings me back to my childhood rejection.

I wanted the fairytale to be true…I needed it to be true. Then life happened.

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