There are people who will come into your life and change everything. These are the people that let you finally taste sleep; the people that make what was once forgotten inside alive again; what she feels he understands without words; what he wants to say she energizes him to speak. These are the people we love too deeply too soon. They lead us to places where souls steal souls.
When these people leave nothing is real anymore. Once where skin touched skin now is sour over questions with no answers. These are the people that attach to those with Borderline, Depression, and Anxiety, because we offer them something they can’t find, loyalty.
These are the people that walk into lives like angels, but leave like thieves.
I know it hurts to remember the threads of their hair entangled amongst your fingers. I can imagine when you see the coffee cup they used to use in the morning, everything falls apart. The cessation of their messages and calls, you blame yourself. Over and over the memories of those lips that used to kiss you become too loud, and suddenly the dark you used to sleep in with them now seems unbearable without them.
These are the people that kill us or create us.
I know what it feels like, to not have enough pieces to put yourself back together again after these people leave. I’ve struggled to find the emotional navigation of how to move on from them, because honestly, I don’t want to. Borderline has taught me veracity, and that transcribes into loyalty to emotional connection. Their betrayal, it’s a pay-to-play sacrifice, because I see the world through Borderline, so I stand with their mistakes, because I’m also standing by mine. How can I move on from something so depressingly beautiful as forgiveness in-spite of? How can you?
I don’t know why they pick us. I’ve had friends politely tell me I’m a doormat for these people to vacation in. It hurts; to see my reality through the perspective of those I revere, hurts. I’m not a doormat, nor are you; we’re loyal to the people that leave, because they need to be seen just as badly as the friends that judge us do. Here is what I do know: These people leave, so what am I going to do next?
In their absence, they force us to want a version of ourselves that isn’t loyal anymore, just as badly as we want to be the version that is.
These are the people that take what we gamble with love on as if they were taking a drink of water. These are the people that hurt because of unrequited attachment, unresolved wounds from childhood, and misalignment to themselves. There is a different form of loneliness in them. A dark loneliness society slaps labels of narcissist and sociopath. If this shade of loneliness were to come into fruition, that wouldn’t terrify us, but them. It would expose a lifetime of suffocated emotions that have been sacrificed for perceived control. For them, it’s easier to live a life of me, instead of why? It hurts; to see their reality through a perspective of grace, hurts. They steal good hearts because someone at some point stole theirs. They run, leaving a trail of loyalty behind they never intended to cherish but swore to.
The truth is, it’s exhausting, and at times has tempted me to seek shelter in their dark loneliness. I’ve loved them at my best and worst; each holds residence in the chambers of my heart, still, and always. They’ve taken more than I had to give, but yet I thank them, because my greatest gifts were born from the taking. Borderline, Depression, and Anxiety , we don’t run ; they create us.
Then, when the ones who stay show up, they earn our trust, as we learn a life with requited loyalty. The ones who stay, we love deeply, with the gifts earned from the ones who walk into lives like angles, but leave like thieves.
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Can You Feel This: Self-Help for Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Mental Health Advocacy.