BB1313 (comment from Why They Leave Us): This. Is. Me. I’m on the verge of ruining my second marriage. I can’t say my first ended due to my BPD but I have worn my second husband down with my issues. And I feel like he has told me for the last time he is done. I am a terrible mother, or at least I think so. I fly off at the handle for the stupidest things then come back and apologize. I started counseling last week but I feel like it may all be too late. Just feeling hopeless.
We pick loved ones apart for what they do/don’t do; are/aren’t because it’s an illusion of control. When the problem is them that makes us feel this horrible to be in our skin, it means we don’t have to see the force of despair within.
He is desperate for you to see his pain, just as badly as you need him to understand that you are not the challenges of BPD. You’ve been busy being ripped apart by one sentence, and learning of your pain, you may have never have stopped to learn of his. With all the love you have saved in reserves for when you secretly judge he will leave, take it out and be vulnerable to rejection. He may reject it, over and over, because he’s hurting too and hurt people hurt people, but stay and be the love your inner child screams for but hides from. Focus your attention on him, in the present, instead of the threat of a life without him. BPD voice will still be background noise during this. Don’t ignore it, acknowledge it every time with, “I see you, and I will be with you in therapy, but now my attention needs to be on him.”
You may not have been the best mother; you may not have been the worst, too. They will forgive you, dear, because they love you past the hurt of BPD. But, do you realize instead of absently letting your children become BPD, too, you’ve decided to face the force of despair that grew yours? That, you’re taking on the difficult childhood you never got over, and emotionally pushing back at the painful history of conditional love instead of unconditional. A mother that shows her children, by example, how to walk up to what they fear the most and say, “No more. We are done here.”, is a very remarkable woman.
You’re meant to change lives from the gifts of harnessed BPD; you’re a healer and a different genre of leader. I can hear it in your voice.
Hopeless is ok; it’s ok. Because hopeless means accepting what was lost, and respecting the journey of rebirth. It does feel hopeless, and it will waver, because the fight against BPD is heartbreakingly beautiful. I promise you, what’s in-between is the greatest ambition, energy, self-love, and fire inside you that you’ll ever know.
This. Is. Not. You. You are your own story happening right now, so go tell it.
Can You Feel This, Inspirational Writing for Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression. Like and Share Can You Feel This on Facebook.