The Narcissist and the Borderline

Four common traits of a Borderline are: 1) feelings of emptiness, 2) negative associations  3) fears of abandonment either real or imagined, 4) distrust in themselves and others.
Four common traits of a Narcissist are: 1) invalidating attachment system as a child, 2) an ego that vacillates between pathological hatred and self-aggrandization, 3) hidden rage, 4) need to control others and their environment.

Borderlines are empathic. A healthy empath is an individual who innately takes on the feelings of others, and they have an unwavering need to give. Not only targeted by the Narcissist, but their emotional energy subconsciously seeks the Narcissist. There is a very real danger of these two personality disorders coming together in a romantic relationship. Narcissists are amazing listeners, they love bomb (e.g., constant communication, excessive flattery, pre-mature expressions of devotion), and they use stress, depression, along with their bad childhood, to divert focus off their behavior.

These tactics manage down expectations to erratically push at boundaries and lower standards–all while going undetected by the Borderline. When it’s too late, the Narcissist reveals their confidence to be repressed envy, strong opinions are instead a severe lack of tolerance, and the level-headed persona morphs into apathy. As the relationship deteriorates, the Borderline will expend their energy to keep the Narcissist from abandoning them. The result is the Borderline disassociates, experiences psychotic episodes, and loses any sense of reality.

Borderlines relish in intimacy engulfment. Narcissists can pick up on this frequency. The Borderline will adopt whatever identity is necessary to be accepted, and the Narcissist also has chameleon capabilities with their integrated false self. What plays out in this mix is that the Borderline will be who and what the Narcissist wants, but the Borderline is not happy with the way they behave and feel. The Narcissist uses the Borderline’s fears to play with their perception, and they’re content with the way they behave and what they don’t feel.

The pith of the Narcissist is primitive envy that will destroy anyone that gets in their way. The Borderline becomes their trash when the Narcissist has either replaced them, or the power balance is positioned in a way that threatens the Narcissist with exposure.

All of my relationships have been with Narcissists. Before I knew I was Borderline, it was never about my partner’s needs because I couldn’t hear or see them. I didn’t fight fairly or love consistently; I desperately tried to secure their vulnerability without giving mine. There were many high-emotion scenes I take responsibility for. Through years of intense therapy that ensued, I learned how to fight fairly and love consistently; vulnerability was given from me for the strength of the relationship instead of taken for my broken sense of self. The problem though is that while I have changed, the Narcissists that seek me out can’t.

Colin was a great deal of sadness. Just after we started dating, we sat beside a fire, he was drinking but I was not. He went silent, paused, turned his gaze towards the cracking orange flames against the wood, said, “The person who withholds the most emotion is the person the most in control.” When I questioned him about it the next day he responded with, “No, you just misheard me.”

I had a biochemical bond to his abuse. Colin told me what I was experiencing from him wasn’t real. It took a year for me to see he wasn’t loving me but robbing my perception of reality. He needed control over my mental health because to the Narcissist, that is power. I told him these final words, “Whatever you do in this life, do something that makes up for what you have done.”

A soul-mate does not create chaos only to disappear. The Narcissist waits for the Borderline’s hope to die last.

Can You Feel This, Inspirational Writing for Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression. Like and Share Can You Feel This on Facebook.


  1. Thank you for this post! I was in a committed relationship with a narcissist, and Ive got bpd and things were incredibly turbulent at times and the end was even worse. I like finding others I connect with.


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